Get Gist

The European Parliamentary Elections went pretty much as expected in the UK with a poor overall turnout and massive constituency gains for The Brexit Party in England and Wales, and a roaring success for the (pro-EU) SNP in Scotland, the two, as ever being at entire opposite spectrums politically (and with Northern Ireland doing their own Sinn Fein/DUP dance, as usual).

It's this Brexit divide, rather than the success of the SNP themselves, that has made this vote feel like Scottish independence is dancing in front of us, becoming enticingly closer every day. Caution should be stressed in interpreting this result; this was not a vote for independence, and the message to read here is that of pro-EU, rather than anti-UK sentiment. Additionally, with a voter turnout of just below 40% across Scotland, it would be foolhardy to assume this represents a tangible shift in electorate opinion with regards to independence or that these would translate into "Yes" votes in a so-called IndyRef2.

But it does seem that for the first time since 2014, we are resolutely crashing to the realisation that we, as a politically, socially, and economically distinct country, are no longer compatible with the rest of the UK. It's that image, yellow Scotland sitting high above a sea of blue Brexit Party constituencies, that seems to sum up so simply and succinctly the cold, hard, truth - that we are already our own country, but one shackled to a union that doesn't care about our opinion, our society or our economy, despite it being a prominent source of their own (see: oil, food/drink exports, life sciences and technology, tourism etc). 

This isn't an attempt to promote rabid nationalism, in fact it is quite the opposite. When I imagine an independent Scotland, I imagine an open, diverse country that prioritises the health and education of its citizens, with a focus on environmentalism and technological advancement. This is a country that offers us free healthcare, free education, and cloned the very first mammal - we are a country determined to constantly move forward. When I think of being British, the truth is, I am utterly ashamed. I am ashamed to be a country involved in illegal wars that kill millions of civilians, that arms countries that kill innocent children, that pushes people into poverty, and the sick and disabled to death, and I am desperately ashamed of this pervasive and misplaced sense of colonialism that refuses to die. The British Empire was based on nothing but savagery, murder, and brutalisation - it is a national shame, not an achievement, but at its heart, pro-Brexit hysteria is the heirloom from this past - a belief that we are somehow a jewel in the world's crown and that outside forces seek to sully us, so we must withdraw and protect. That we are some high and mighty royal force, and that we grace the world with our presence simply by existing. I cannot abide it, and it makes me faintly ill. The UK undoubtedly has a lot to offer the world, so why are so many determined to keep us rooted firmly in the past instead of looking to a global future where we can help the world instead of laying waste to it? The more time passes, the less I am able to marry up these two ideas in my head, and unless something changes, I cannot see the union lasting for another lifetime. Remember that it was the threat of EU membership that prompted many to vote against independence in 2014 - what a slap in the face this political circus is today, then. 

If anything was to save the union, it would be a centre-left, Labour-led government in Westminister, not bowing to the squalls of the rich and entitled, and standing for the disenfranchised working class. So where is the opposition?

When Jeremy Corbyn first came onto the scene, he was - I thought - a breath of fresh air in politics dominated by private school alumni with their own best interests at heart. Here was a man that couldn't be bought, that had common sense even when it seemed controversial to do so. It was this that made him a threat to the establishment, and made him a target for media smear campaigns, and this undoubtedly impacted his campaign approach. With everything Jeremy Corbyn said being liable to being twisted in the media, it made sense for him to weigh up the options, to tred carefully and be sure that he was on the correct course. The lead up to Brexit, when nobody seemed to agree on what they wanted, was the perfect time to let the Conservatives fight it out, to drag each other down and exhaust solutions and to watch how the electorate reacted to it all. But somewhere along the way, Jeremy Corbyn lost his nerve, and it has cost him dearly in I fear not only this election, but in votes to come unless he switches course.

When the Conservative party imploded, Jeremy Corbyn had an opportunity that opposition leaders can only dream of to swoop in and well...be the opposition; instead he slept on it, trying to stay a course that appealed to as any voters as possible, and losing credibility in doing so.  

I get it, there is no "good" Brexit position to take, but the only thing worse than a polarising Brexit stance is no stance at all, and Labour found that out the hard way this election. The worst part is, it was this kind of political strategy that saw us into this mess in the first place; rather than pick clear policies and positions, David Cameron (who himself was pro-remain) built the Brexit  referendum into the Conservative manifesto purely to gain votes from UKIP, who were starting to gain ground and threaten the right-leaning government. His embarrassing defeat should have been a warning to Jeremy Corbyn and indeed every politician that betraying your core values and political stance in a vain attempt to appeal to voters that wouldn't typically vote for you will backfire. If a manifesto or position is good enough, then it should stand up almost on its own.

Jeremy Corbyn, if you can't have faith in your party's vision of Brexit, then why should your voters? Why should they place their trust in you when even you don't seem to have a cohesive idea of what you stand for these days? Return to strong Labour policies that are pro-working class, pro-diversity and anti-austerity and the rest will fall into place. The simplest thing for you to do now, as it was weeks ago, is to back a second referendum and pledge to deliver whatever result the vote returns. Will it please everyone? Absolutely not, but then when did anyone in politics ever please everyone?

Life can be difficult, and it can be lonely. 

There are times where we imagine ourselves adrift and alone in a sea of people; people that we feel inherently separate from. 

Isolated. 

Disconnected. 

Surrounded by people but not belonging to or with them. 

We look down at our phones and see fake smiles and well-practised “candid” travel snaps, we read the highlights of people's lives and we see the social groups we are left out of and we see ourselves as an insignificant part in a random and chaotic world. In a world that seems full of disorder (and living with a brain that sometimes feels the same) it can be hard to understand where we fit in to each other's lives. 

But we are all of us connected; some of us by blood, by love, by friendship, work, shared interests, and some of us by actions that bore consequences we never considered. Our impact on this world is greater than we know and how we affect one another is more significant than we believe. Invisible threads snake their way through each of our lives, linking us together at the very core of our humanity. Like gravity, an unseen force pulling us together without ever being consciously felt. Things that don't seem linked are inexplicably connected, our actions rippling out in ways we don't always comprehend. 

I think of the night I didn't die by suicide at the age of 16, when my parents decided to surprise me with new bedroom flooring. In moving my furniture around they discovered evidence of my secret self harming, and in confronting me about it they stopped me from carrying out my plan. They thought they were doing a small act of kindness and DIY and instead inadvertently saved my life. 

We are constantly making choices, unaware of the significance of them, oblivious to the impact that reverberates through the lives of others. 

We are not solo instruments but part of an orchestra, all working towards momentous crescendo even if we never see the conductor, even if we are never aware that we are working collectively. If you ever doubt the simple yet profound connection we share, attend a live music event. Feel the collective adoration, the fans singing in unison, the freedom for an hour or two from the mundane lives as the crowd comes together, reaching towards their idols and screaming along to songs that are simultaneously personal and shared by all. Attend a football or a rugby game and hear the sighs of disappointment and the euphoric cries as the crowd breathes as one. Visit a friends and family and feel how their very existence shapes your life every day. 

Nothing in this world lacks connection, even when the world feels cold and lonely; connection is a force that surrounds us every day.

"What on Earth is that?"

That was the question on my mind when my psychiatrist told me that I had "some" Cyclothymia in the mix with my anxiety and borderline traits.

I nodded along and then as soon as I left the office I googled "Cyclothymia".

Cyclothymic Disorder (Cyclothymia) is a mood disorder on the Bipolar spectrum (but symptoms do not reach the diagnostic threshold for Bipolar Disorder I or II). It is characterised by the chronic cycling (at least two years) between low mood / depressive episodes and hypomania - "high" moods that can involve feeling euphoric, full of energy, productive but can also cause irritability, restlessness and a feeling of anxiety (click here for more information on Mind's website). 

Sources seem to vary on this very underdiscussed disorder - the NHS website characterises it as "mild" but also warns it has the potential to develop into Bipolar Disorder if left untreated. This leaves me with questions - comments, really - such as why does nobody talk about this? and who on Earth is characterising this as "mild"? 

Perhaps it's the added on borderline, but to me, my cyclothymia is not "mild"; my lows are very low and my hypomania isn't all fun and productivity, often it leaves my mind racing in a way that rivals my anxiety. It's definitely not as disruptive as Bipolar Disorder, but why does this mean that it can be reduced to something barely worth mentioning? Between my "baby" bipolar and borderline traits, I feel like I've scrounged together just enough symptoms, pain, and difficulties to actually merit having a diagnosis that isn't shrugged aside. Do I have enough points for my diagnosis to matter yet? Am I even allowed to complain about Cyclothymic Disorder if it's not as bad as other disorders, something the NHS website puts rather a fine point on? 

Other resources (such as Bipolar UK and Mind) do characterise it as a form of Bipolar Disorder, even if it's not quite at that threshold, as they consider it to be on the bipolar spectrum. I've taken to telling people I have "mild form of bipolar"  (which seems disingenuous) because nobody knows what the heck Cyclothymic Disorder (or Cyclothymia) actually is.  

There might be people out there that can't understand why this actually matters, but this is the exact point of Mental Health Awareness Week -  it's difficult to talk about something, access treatment for it and reduce stigma if we don't know what it is.

My psychiatrist breezed past that term like it was inconsequential, but it's not to me. It's important to me, it is a part of me, and that part deserves to be recognised on its own instead of being overlooked or overshadowed.

So if you're like me, struggling to talk about your diagnoses in a society that doesn't know about them or understand them, struggling to feel like your disorder(s) is even worth discussing in a community full of so many struggles that seem so much worse than your own, I see you. I am writing this post for you, for me, for anyone with a disorder that nobody talks about, for anyone feeling like their struggle isn't valid. 

We deserve a space too.